Its well past 1am and I am exhausted but refuse to go to sleep. I'm listening to the whir of the fan and the soft sleepy noises Baby J is making. I decided to crash on the couch for a while so I could get some extra work done. Sam fell asleep next to me. She may only be 12 years old but she's damn good company.
All weekend I've busted my ass taking pictures for the clothing line's web site, the fashion blog and a few projects for this blog. It wasn't until late today I realized I had plenty of pictures but no words to go along with them. Just like me to forget something that important.
I had a lot to do this weekend and had a ton of family support. I was proud to call them my minions as they all did my bidding and helped when needed. But I felt bad. I felt bad because Baby J is used to having mommy at her beckon call. She cries I jump. She laughs and I swoon. She poops and well I think you get it. She owns me.
All weekend I was here but then I wasn't. She would cry and I wouldn't/couldn't tend to her. I had work to do and I couldn't very well explain to her "Mama's got bills to pay kid". Now I feel like I should explain for those of you that may not have kids, she didn't need anything. She was fed, changed and not to mention hubby got home from work extremely early so between him and the kids she was in good hands. She just wanted mommy. Me. No one else.
Every chance I had I took a break and played with her and made a big deal about everything she did so she could still feel like she hung the moon and stars in my world. Then I'd go back to work and she would fuss. I felt guilty. I know its silly but I did. Its hard to shake the mommy guilt. I didn't even intend on writing about this but the words came pouring out and I needed to get it off my chest kind of like a confessional.
The whole reason I do what I do is so I can be home with the kids. So I'm the one raising them and they're not left in daycare all day. I've already done that with the older kids and it wasn't easy and was very expensive. I know I shouldn't feel bad for her crying but she's got me wrapped around that little baby finger and I know she didn't understand I was busy. So I guess tomorrow will be spent making up for the weekend. I have a feeling she's going to make me pay for it. Babies are vindictive like that.
If any of you out there are parents and feel guilty for handling your business let me know in the comments. Get it off your chest and let me know I'm not the only one.